Navigating Co-sleeping & Bed Sharing
Co-sleeping can be a controversial topic. In many cultures across the world, co-sleeping is the norm and expected. Here in the UK, there can be a big difference in opinions. I love when co-sleeping works for families, and if it works, you don't have to change a thing! However, I see many social media posts where mum's are struggling with co-sleeping, with a tonne of comments of "just embrace it, they are only young once!". And I get it, we love the cuddles and the connection. But these desperate mum's are in a situation that isn't sustainable, they are exhausted, tapped out and aren't showing up as the parent they want to be.
I am not here to debate the safety of co-sleeping, The Lullaby Trust does a great job and has a wealth of information. However, I do believe that beyond those new-born days and into toddlerhood, if you choose to co-sleep than it is a personal choice, and if it isn't working for you then you should be empowered to make positive changes.
And sometimes parent's get to a point where what was working, is no longer working when it comes to co-sleeping, and the worry is real in how to navigate changes with your child. There is never a perfect age for this either, all children are different as if every family dynamic. You'll know when it is feeling like the right time, or when it is feeling unsustainable.
Here are a few questions you may want to consider asking before you start:
Are both parents on the same page? Do both want to make changes? This is important as sometimes one parent may want to continue co-sleeping, but you both need to be on board.
Are you ready for the change?
Where are you at just now?
Are you exclusively co-sleeping and little one has never really been in their own space?
Would you be working towards a cot or a bed transition for them?
Do you co-sleep part of the night once they wake?What is the bigger vision?
I work with some parents who want to keep co-sleeping, but ease the feeding overnight. Or wish to continue feeding but in their own sleep space. For some families the big vision is having their partner back sleeping in the same room (and that is not selfish either!). But have a think about what you want it to look like, with an easy transition and a happy little one!
If you are ready for change, then having a plan is essential! We want to really help your little one in the process so that it doesn't feel too big, but making it a positive experience.
Make a Plan: Depending on where you are starting, you may want to start building some new sleep cues whilst co-sleeping to ease the transition period, and build a tool kit to support their settle (e.g bum pats/back rubs).
Communication: For 2 years +, routine charts can work really well here. Not a reward chart, but a visual chart of exactly what the routine and nights will look like so that you can chat it through with them. Communication is key!
Consistency: One thing that is really important throughout this transition, is consistency. Your child doesn't understand that they can change to your bed at 3am, they just know that it happens at some point. It might be you need to support them in their room to begin with, even camping out, but consistency in their sleep space helps not to send mixed messages.
Stagger the changes: Spend the time building confidence and happiness in their room before thinking about getting out of the room when they fall asleep. It will be a gradual process.
Whether the journey is more parent led, or child led, it will come at some point even if they are that bit older. The main thing to remember here is that we want to build security in there, knowledge you'll be back if they need you and happiness in their own sleep space.
This doesn't mean that you'll never co-sleep again! This may still be the case when they are poorly etc. I've been there too when they are sick, or vomited in bed then they are right in with me. However, for building new change, we want to make sure we build the effort in their own sleep space.
You can listen to more about navigating co-sleeping on this episode of Behind The Wake Ups Podcast. But if you are struggling, tapped out and can't seem to find that happy ground to help them transition then you are in good hands.
Book in a friendly chat here and we can talk it through.
