What to do when a child prefers one parent at bedtime

Navigating parent preferences with our kids can be really difficult for everyone. And when a child prefers one parent at bedtime or during night wakes, it can feel really tough. There will be one parent who is heavily relied upon, and another who wishes they could help and doesn't know how. It brings a lot of mixed emotions! Please be rest assured, no one is doing anything wrong and these are very normal phases! A child’s preference for one parent at bedtime is usually rooted in attachment and familiarity, not rejection (although many parents may feel that rejection!)

Common reasons include:

• One parent being the primary caregiver

• One parent doing most bedtimes or night wakes historically

• Feeding associations (especially with babies and toddlers)

• Temperament — some children are more sensitive and selective to changes. You may need some slower adjustments if this is your child.

• Separation anxiety or developmental stages

At night, children seek what feels most predictable and regulating. If it has been one parent settling for a long period of time, this is what feels predictable for them right now, and so a sudden switch may just bring huge resistance.

Again this leaves us feeling in a tough place where one parent is often "on duty" all night. Resentment builds, stress levels rise and the pressures increase, which can make that parent start to dread the nights ahead. And the other parent feeling separated from it all.

For what it's worth, I've been in that camp too. My son always had a strong preference for me, and often tried to change the boundaries held during my bedtimes, where as my daughter had (still does) a strong preference for daddy.

If things are working the way things are, you don't need to change a thing. But if it has become unsustainable then it might be time for change. As a family, flexibility can be so important.

How to Gently Build Flexibility

When the child prefers one parent at bedtime, the goal isn’t to force a child to “accept” the other parent overnight — it’s to expand their sense of safety and build routines that feel predictable, and keeping to those new changes with positive consistency.
What we don't want to do is go in with a sudden change and zero build up, this will bring upset on both sides.

Helpful steps include:

• Having the less-preferred parent involved in the bedtime routine. This could mean having both parents present for at least part of the routine before the preferred parent settles as normal. This helps build up the familiarity of the other parent being there. Slowly build this up until they are there for the whole settle (if not too stimulating for your child!)

• Building connection outside of sleep first (play, stories, bath time)

• Making transitions predictable and explained in advance. Routine charts work really well here for toddlers and above, even with a photo of each parent who is doing bedtime!

• Starting with support at bedtime before tackling night wakes

• If there is still nursing in the settle to sleep, then let mum work on this part first and bringing that feed a little earlier into the routine.

• Expecting some protest — but being there to calm and reassure them in the same way is key.

When a child prefers one parent at bedtime, consistency matters more than perfection, and with the right approach, flexibility can grow — without breaking trust.

If you are feeling stuck with this and unsure where to go, or you feel that you have tried everything this far and nothing is helping then you are in good hands. My Sleep Reset Sessions are designed to help families gently rebalance bedtime and night support in a way that feels respectful, realistic, and right for your child.

You don't need to do it alone, and I am here to chat with you anytime.

Jade

Download my free Toddler Calm Evenings Guide here.